I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
