So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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