remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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