In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
