i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
