He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
