I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
