I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
