I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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