Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
