my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
