If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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