I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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