apparently the secret to your success is patron
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
