I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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