woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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