Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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