i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize