I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
