The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
