Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
