I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
