Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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