Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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