The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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