from now on my penis is your penis
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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