i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
