And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
