I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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