I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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