can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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