it's not cheating when I paid for it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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