also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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