they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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