Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
