Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize