I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
