if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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