Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
