i already hear my dad disowning me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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