According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
