your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
