Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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