I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
