I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
