a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
