Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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