that's an acceptable place to lick
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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