I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
