I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
