I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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