When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
