I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I still have a little drunk in my system
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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