omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
