Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
