If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
