i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize