hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
