I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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