you have to choose: penises or morals?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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