cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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