is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sarcasm needs its own font
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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