I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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